Undecided

I've been thinking a lot about myself this week, my future, what I'm going to do career-wise, and what and where I want to be in the next few years. Thinking about reaching success sometimes pressures me. And the thought of not feeling accomplished 5 or 10 years down the road is depressing. But then I don't know what it is that I want to fulfill and what it is that will make me feel truly accomplished. Sometimes I dream of graduating from a good university in the US and later become a successful career woman, making big bucks, feeling a great sense of self-worth. But there are times that I think I should not postpone motherhood longer, that it's about time I start a family with my husband, that we are not getting any younger and at our age we should already have at least one child. I know that going to school would mean child bearing has to wait until I graduate.

I admire working women a lot especially those who climbed their way up to the top. But I'm also jealous of mothers who devote their time to their family. A hardworking dad coming home from work to his wife whose hair is messy from taking care of the house and the kids all day, and his naughty little kids racing to the door to greet him with kisses and hugs, and together they eat dinner then snuggle in the living room watching TV, is like picture-perfect to me.

Do I want to be called "Ma'am" or would I prefer "Mom" a few years from now? I need to decide soon.

Walking on the Right Path

Originally posted on my Friendster blog, September 25, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Sometimes when I'm not doing anything and just laying on the bed, I can't help but wonder how my friends and all other people I knew in highschool and college are doing. I wonder what they already look like, what they do for a living, who and what kind of person they married, or where they're living. It's been quite a long time since I last saw most of them and I can't even remember the last names anymore of those who weren't close to me. That's why I'm glad whenever I read the words "New Friendster Friend Request" and the name or picture of someone I had known from the past comes up. But to those who I'm still in touch with, I have at least an idea of what's going on in their lives and they too have a glance of my current life situation. When I receive a private message or comment from them on Friendster, I'm touched to know that they are happy for me and my married life. There were even some who told me that they're jealous because I have managed to walk on the right direction.

Looking back, it was never easy for me to keep my feet on the right side of the road. In fact there were times when I almost stepped beyond the line but I was lucky enough to have 2 persons in my life who pulled me back everytime they saw that I could cross that line anytime...and they were my parents. I must say that college was when I felt most miserable. Not only because I was away from my family, but also because I didn't like the city I was living in. I hated the dialect, the people were different, and I didn't like my school. It was a pretty good school, I just hated the rules and regulations because they were too strict. To add that, I regretted taking my degree because I realized when I was in my second year that to be a media personality wasn't really what I wanted. I wished I studied a computer or business course instead. But it was too late to shift to either of these two. Besides, my parents weren't cash-cows that could afford whenever I wanted to quit and switch to a new degree. I also wanted to finish college the soonest time possible. I hated school!

My friends made my college life a bit easier to handle. I always had good laughs everytime I was around them. But of course we also had dramas and fights but the longest fight I could remember lasted for only a week or so. But the hardest part was that my standards and beliefs were different from theirs. For every glass of alcohol offered to me, I had to say "no" at least 5 times. At first it was hard for them to understand why it was a big deal to me. They did all the convincing that they could. I felt pressured all the time but my stand was firm enough not to be shaken, until my friends couldn't take any more disappointment, haha. The reward was respect. On those instances when someone passed around a glass of drink again, they had to skip me. They wouldnt even ask anymore because they already knew what my response would be. There was one time that we had dinner with a group of guys I didn't even know. But these people were friends of one of my barkada. One of the guys offered me a glass of alcohol and before he could finish talking I already said "No." He thought I didn't mean it so he was persistent. He eventually stopped. The next day at school, my friends told me that the same guy secretly asked them the night before if I really didn't drink at all or if I was just trying to impress the group of guys around. I couldn't help but laugh when they told me this. But my friends told him that getting me to drink is an impossible mission and they explained to him why :)

Like what I said in the 2nd paragraph, my parents were the ones who kept me on the right track. I guess you'll understand if I tell you that I went through a rebellious stage. And if you're a girl, I'm sure you'll understand me even more if I tell you that my rebellion was to defend my right of choosing which person I wanted to be in a relationship with. You're probably getting the hint by now. So yea, I was one of those young girls who thought they knew what was best for them and that parents were the most "killjoy" people in the world when it comes to their daughter's lovelife. Needless to say, I was in a relationship with someone my parents or maybe even my sisters disliked. And they had every reason not to like him. He drank, smoked, had a history of drug use (I wasn't sure if he still used drugs during those months that we were together), and he was a spoiled brat. But I was very naive and hoped that I could change him for the better, and I did try. To make the long story short, the relationship ended because of my parents' total disapproval. I was at first very mad at them and felt like I was deprived of the right to make my own decisions. But now when I look back at that time in my life, I'm always grateful for what my parents did to protect me. Sometimes I even ask myself, "What was I thinking?". I hated how our home was always like under martial law. My sisters and I had to listen to what our father would say whether we liked it or not. Then I realized that if it wasn't for that "martial law" , I would have gone astray since I'm very stubborn. I would have married the wrong person. I can't imagine what kind of life I would have been living by now, had my parents not interfered and I continued my relationship with that guy. I'm also proud of myself that despite my stubbornness and rebellious spirit, I always chose to use my head and not let my emotions control me. I was very depressed that if some other girl were on my shoes, she would have either committed suicide or ran away with her boyfriend. I'm glad the attempt of doing such things never even crossed my mind.

It is indeed true that the choices we make today will affect the later years of our lives. Like what they say, regrets always come at the end. It's you who choose to be happy or unhappy depending on the decisions you make. I must say that prayers helped me make the right choices I've made in my life. With prayers as your guide, you can never go wrong. Also, I've learned that it's good to surround yourself with good people because the ones you always spend time with will have the biggest influence on your decisions and choices. There are still so many choices and decisions to make ahead of me, and like my life, I'm also far from perfection. Therefore, there is no assurance that I can keep walking on the right road. But I do everything I can to keep myself standing firmly on the road I'm at right now, so that no matter how many storms in life come, I will be strong enough not to get blown away and tossed by the wind that will take me to the wrong side.♥

To Dream the Possible Dreams

Originally posted on my Friendster blog September 22, 2008 at 12:18 pm

Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamed that everyone including me was filing for a scholarship to study in England. I was a little hesitant because I knew that if I passed the exam, that would mean leaving my husband to go to another country so I intentionally didn't follow an important instruction on filing for the scholarship, that way I wouldn't be accepted. As a result and to my regret, I was the only one who wasn't given the scholarship and everyone else felt bas for me hahaha.

In real life I've also had dreams that let me down because they weren't even an inch close to reality so I just left them unfulfilled until they disappeared like bubbles in the air. When I was little, my father who helped me learn to dream big often encouraged me to dream of becoming either a lawyer or a physician someday. I'm squeamish so I preferred to be a lawyer. Growing up, I had this vision on my mind to defend people and help them fight for their rights. It was in my teen years that my eyes were opened to the reality of life. I realized that it takes not only hard work and ability but privilege and luck as well to get what you want. I knew that all I got was the capability and willingness to learn, that even if I worked the hardest I could or no matter how much support my parents could give, it would still come down to "not enough". It was money that hindered that dream from turning into reality.

There were also dreams that seemed reachable but I was afraid that if I tried to reach them I might just fall so I just left them hanging in the clouds of my dreams. When I was 18 and already in college, I was asked if I wanted to study in Brigham Young University- Hawaii 'cause the Church Educational System was giving a scholarship to those who were willing. Who in his right mind would refuse an offer like this? Besides, I had always wanted to study in one of the BYU campuses. So I took the Michigan test in Tacloban and passed with a decent score, actually the highest among those who took the test that day...or at least that's what I was told. My parents were giving me all the support they could give, my father at the time could afford every penny that I needed for the process and everything else. But it was me who distanced myself from my own dream. At that stage in my life, I had always experienced failures. I lost confidence in myself and thought that I would just fail in everything I do. I was afraid of trying only to find out that I would only fail again. What if the process takes so long I get bored of waiting? What if the process is too hard? What if I mess up on something along the process? What if I won't pass the interview at the US Embassy? Those were only some of the many fears I had. And most of all, I feared that my parents' efforts and money would just go to nothing if I failed. I did regret for not overcoming those fears but I eventually got over it. Looking at the bright side, I would always think that perhaps God had better plans for me.

And yes He did :) Eversince my family and I became members of our Church, by the way I was only 12 when we joined, I had always been taught in youth class to "marry the right person in the right place". That means marrying a faithful member of the Church in the temple. So that teaching was carved in my mind while growing up. When I was old enough to understand the importance of marriage, I had no greater wish than finding the right person who was worthy enough to take me to the temple. I had always prayed for this ever since. This was my biggest dream in life and I always lived the way I was supposed to if I wanted it to come true. I saw people who seemed to have the potential to marry in the temple, but when they married outside the Church, I started to get worried that the same thing might happen to me too. In my 20's, I started thinking "What if 10 years down the road the man I've been praying for all these years remains an imaginary lover? Would I still be willing to wait? What if before he comes, someone I could fall inlove with but isn't exactly the one I dreamed of shows up? I sure don't wanna be an old maid!" That's why I felt like the luckiest woman in the world the day I went inside the Orlando, Florida temple with the man I had been praying for since I was 12 or 13, the man I love and who loves me more in return. That was the first time I felt like a million bucks because it wasn't only a dream come true, it was also an answered payer. Now I realized that it was a personal revelation when I decided not to go to BYU because something 1,000,000x better was planned to happen sooner.

Of course I also have dreams that are until now I'm still dreaming of. But I'm not star gazing alone anymore. I have a great husband to share dreams with. I'm not sure if I still want to be a lawyer someday because I've seen things that and met people who influenced me to have other goals. I'm not sure either if I still want to go to BYU 'coz I don't know if we'll still be in Utah by the time I'm ready to go. I have dreams for my family, I have dreams for me and my husband as a couple, and I dream of a family of our own.♥