Originally posted on my Friendster blog September 22, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamed that everyone including me was filing for a scholarship to study in England. I was a little hesitant because I knew that if I passed the exam, that would mean leaving my husband to go to another country so I intentionally didn't follow an important instruction on filing for the scholarship, that way I wouldn't be accepted. As a result and to my regret, I was the only one who wasn't given the scholarship and everyone else felt bas for me hahaha.
In real life I've also had dreams that let me down because they weren't even an inch close to reality so I just left them unfulfilled until they disappeared like bubbles in the air. When I was little, my father who helped me learn to dream big often encouraged me to dream of becoming either a lawyer or a physician someday. I'm squeamish so I preferred to be a lawyer. Growing up, I had this vision on my mind to defend people and help them fight for their rights. It was in my teen years that my eyes were opened to the reality of life. I realized that it takes not only hard work and ability but privilege and luck as well to get what you want. I knew that all I got was the capability and willingness to learn, that even if I worked the hardest I could or no matter how much support my parents could give, it would still come down to "not enough". It was money that hindered that dream from turning into reality.
There were also dreams that seemed reachable but I was afraid that if I tried to reach them I might just fall so I just left them hanging in the clouds of my dreams. When I was 18 and already in college, I was asked if I wanted to study in Brigham Young University- Hawaii 'cause the Church Educational System was giving a scholarship to those who were willing. Who in his right mind would refuse an offer like this? Besides, I had always wanted to study in one of the BYU campuses. So I took the Michigan test in Tacloban and passed with a decent score, actually the highest among those who took the test that day...or at least that's what I was told. My parents were giving me all the support they could give, my father at the time could afford every penny that I needed for the process and everything else. But it was me who distanced myself from my own dream. At that stage in my life, I had always experienced failures. I lost confidence in myself and thought that I would just fail in everything I do. I was afraid of trying only to find out that I would only fail again. What if the process takes so long I get bored of waiting? What if the process is too hard? What if I mess up on something along the process? What if I won't pass the interview at the US Embassy? Those were only some of the many fears I had. And most of all, I feared that my parents' efforts and money would just go to nothing if I failed. I did regret for not overcoming those fears but I eventually got over it. Looking at the bright side, I would always think that perhaps God had better plans for me.
And yes He did :) Eversince my family and I became members of our Church, by the way I was only 12 when we joined, I had always been taught in youth class to "marry the right person in the right place". That means marrying a faithful member of the Church in the temple. So that teaching was carved in my mind while growing up. When I was old enough to understand the importance of marriage, I had no greater wish than finding the right person who was worthy enough to take me to the temple. I had always prayed for this ever since. This was my biggest dream in life and I always lived the way I was supposed to if I wanted it to come true. I saw people who seemed to have the potential to marry in the temple, but when they married outside the Church, I started to get worried that the same thing might happen to me too. In my 20's, I started thinking "What if 10 years down the road the man I've been praying for all these years remains an imaginary lover? Would I still be willing to wait? What if before he comes, someone I could fall inlove with but isn't exactly the one I dreamed of shows up? I sure don't wanna be an old maid!" That's why I felt like the luckiest woman in the world the day I went inside the Orlando, Florida temple with the man I had been praying for since I was 12 or 13, the man I love and who loves me more in return. That was the first time I felt like a million bucks because it wasn't only a dream come true, it was also an answered payer. Now I realized that it was a personal revelation when I decided not to go to BYU because something 1,000,000x better was planned to happen sooner.
Of course I also have dreams that are until now I'm still dreaming of. But I'm not star gazing alone anymore. I have a great husband to share dreams with. I'm not sure if I still want to be a lawyer someday because I've seen things that and met people who influenced me to have other goals. I'm not sure either if I still want to go to BYU 'coz I don't know if we'll still be in Utah by the time I'm ready to go. I have dreams for my family, I have dreams for me and my husband as a couple, and I dream of a family of our own.♥
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